Stuff and Junk

Stuff

Everything is kind of fucked up right now, In a beautiful kind of way.

I’m in the best relationship Ive ever been in, but I feel like im fucking everything up. 

I feel like my little insecurities are going to ruin everything, I’m not use to someone being there for me. I dont want to fuck this up.

This semester school wise is the worst semester I’ve ever had, Im currently failing two classes. This sucks balls, I don’t know how to handle this. This semester was already going to be an up hill battle. I can change it in one class but it will take a lot of work, but in calc 2 im fucked. I mean I’ve always tried to give my best but I feel like since im stretched too thin between these demanding classes and work I dont know what to do. I want so bad to cry but the tears just wont come. I think im just way beyond stressed out. and I don’t want to put this off on her, she does so much for me. I love her. She has her own shit to deal with right now and doesn’t need mine too. I feel like I should disappear for a few days and say fuck everything to get my head back on track. I dont know what to do. 

Year in Review : A Realization

I had written some long drawn out thing about what had gone this year, about my break up, and my mom. But that’s not what I want to write about. I’m happy, a different kind of happy I’ve never felt before. 

The relationship I was in for threeish years ended this year, and now I’m in the most amazing place I have ever been. 

To make a long story short, there was this person at work that I could always talk to, and we would share advice and talk about our lives, our relationship problems, and our interests. The beginning of this semester started and her boyfriend had broken up with her. I knew that if I didn’t try for her I’d regret it forever, this was a feeling I’ve never had before about anyone. 

I took things slow, because I didn’t want to rush things, and I wanted to find out where we were both. Getting to know her has been one of the most interesting and happy experiences I’ve ever had. 

I’ve never, ever, ever had anyone look me in the face and say exactly what was on my mind at that time. This is something that blows my mind. I just, don’t know, it’s like we’re tuned into the same station.

I’ve been happy, but not like this. With her it’s just the little things, and I love it.

I wish she could see how she makes me feel, it’s cliche as fuck but I get lost her eyes, just starting, probably with a dumb smile on my face, just being happy. 

She gets this look on her face when she’s talking about something shes passionate about, living life, teaching, the brain, music, lots of stuff. I just find myself staring, completely and utterly amazed by her.

I want to make her happy, make her laugh, see her smile. Hold her when she’s cold, and when she’s not. Kiss her, just spend time with her. 

I think this is love, and it’s one of the most frightening and amazing feelings I’ve ever had.