Stuff and Junk

THIS CAT IS ASKING TO BE PETTED IT IS ACTUALLY ASKING THIS IS...

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 21:12:36 -0400

THIS CAT IS ASKING TO BE PETTED IT IS ACTUALLY ASKING THIS IS THE MOST POLITE CAT IN THE WORLD AND IT’S GOING TO KILL ME

Things I've learned the last few weeks

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 23:53:00 -0400

I still get engulfed in rage when my guitar helplessly falls off it’s guitar stand
After a few weeks of kicking ass and a great weekend, sometimes you need some time to unwind
What goes up comes down, but it doesn’t need to stay that way

and go tumblr for the neato new interfacey thing, I like.

I’ve always been the type who over thinks thing’s and thinks too much, it runs in my family - I get it from my dad. When I’m not stressed out it’s something that I cherish, it allows my mind to pursue ideas and possibilities that at first glance I may not of realized. But on the flip side it sometimes leads me into a downward spiral of “OMG IM SO FUCKED”, fortunately I haven’t felt that way since about this time last year.

I don’t know if it’s because of the experiences that I had last year that I’m finally like “yeah the stuff has hit the fan, but it’s not the end of the world.” It’s nice, for a change.

But I digress, something has happened this weekend that hasn’t happened in a long time - not over thinking. I think I may have thought my brain out, or maybe with finals rolling up in a few weeks my brain is just clocking out on it’s lunch break.

Anyway, that’s cool and all, but now it’s time to think(f u brain).

Last weekend I had the weirdest-greatest weekend I’ve ever had.

I went home friday after I boogied out of class to get to my parent’s for the easter weekend, luckily the restaurant was closed for the weekend so I didn’t have to worry about getting shifts off I would of had otherwise(my wallet just made the sad trombone sound).

Friday was good, hung out with my parents and my girlfriend came out and had dinner with the group. We then shot off to our mutual friends who also live in the same city as my parents, and we had a few beers and played some boardgames - it was great.

That night I realized something, I hadn’t laughed like that in so long, too long. It’s so hard for me now being a “grown up” to find people that I can just loosen up around and , well, laugh. It felt so great. I mean, I laugh and all that, but not the, laugh-until-I-can’t-breathe-and-just-wheeze laugh. I miss that and I miss those friends. At the end of the summer they’re going to move to Minnesota, and it will be a little harder to see them.

The next day was a crazy one. I played baseball with all the guys I grew up with, and I was glad my girlfriend came along. It’s nice for a significant other to see where you came from, it helps them get a better understanding on who you are. A few of the guys are doing stuff with their lives, but most of them are in the same spot they were seven years ago, and that’s cool for them - if it makes them happy. I wasn’t happy with that, myself, or who I was at the time, so I got out. I told my girlfriend before we played “This is going to be really offensive, I apologize.”

Later that day we went to church, and had a lunch after with my parents, my girlfriend, and her unfortunately-heartbreakingly-recently widowed dad. It was awesome, I wish I could of lived in that moment forever. I miss my family, and I can’t wait for the extended I will one day have.

That night I did something unexpected but totally welcome. I went over the guy’s house that had such a huge impact on me that it still shows today. When I was a freshman in high school, I was just coming out of a middle school experience that was filled with fights, racial tension, and me on the receiving end of bullying by my ‘friends’ . I didn’t realize how much that guy had an impact on me until that night, last weekend.

He was a senior when I was a freshman, and we had wood shop together. He took me under his wing and was totally cool about it. He got me into punk music, stuck up for me, drove me home everyday after class, and was one of the most goofy, positive, easy going people I’ve ever met. I remember opening the window after class would start so he could sneak into class before the teacher took attendance.

I know this sounds totally insane, but it isn’t to me, I know I was supposed to be there that night. I swear, I’ve had many dreams the last few months about his house(note: I’ve never been there and haven’t seen the friend since 2007). Call it god, call it whatever you want, something beyond my control was at play last weekend. Seeing him reminded me of where I use to be, and where I’m going. I need to reconnect with that man this summer. He had such a positive impact on my life and it was great.

The last few weeks I’ve been busting my ass trying to get an internship back home, I have one bite, a good one, but I’m trying not to give all my hopes up. A few friends have worked there or currently do, and the only exgirlfriend that I’ve ever been on good terms with works there too. On top of seeing that old friend, my sister being pregnant,close friends moving away, and the cancer stuff going on with my other sister - I need to be back in metro Detroit this summer. All signs point home.

After all the nostalgia, seeing old friends, and the awesome feeling I was having about the internship, as soon as I got back up to school I feel like I grounded out. I’m still feeling positive about things, but not on that life high like I was before. It’s weird. I think that weekend was a sign that “yeah, you’re gonna feel shitty the next few weeks, but DONT GIVE UP DONT YOU EVER FUCKING GIVE UP.” That’s what I’m taking it as, anyways. The last interview I had went great, but round three will hopefully be this up coming week, and then, hopefully then, I can start to make summer plans. My dreams are within reach.

maxscoville: testarossa-hyperdrive: kojima please I can’t...

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 00:34:46 -0500

maxscoville:

testarossa-hyperdrive:

kojima

please

I can’t wait till we get a game developer on the cover of Rolling Stone.

It's what I tell myself when I'm down

Sat, 19 Jan 2013 01:21:00 -0500

Last year was a weird one.

I feel like this happens every other year, but holy shit, that was a bad year. When I say something like that, I’m not thinking negatively about my situation or anything. Negative thought processes are addictive and venomous, I know this and I always make sure to actively thinks positive things (easier said then done, usually, but lately not really). How I feel about last year and looking at it objectively are two different things in this case. Even though this year brought what it did, I still feel very positive about where I am in life, and the direction I’m going in. I will accomplish my goals, graduate, and get a salary job doing what I’ve been going to school for (here) for the last four years, and in general the last six.

I’ll go through the year semi-chronologically with some tangential interjections.

Things really didn’t start to get interesting until about the end of last school-year, so somewhere around April-May.

Things were going good for me, as they are now, I was looking forward to spending the summer up here in mount pleasant with my newish girlfriend (we’re still together, that’s not how this story ends), and I was sent on a crash course of schedueling training by my (then and now) girlfriend, since the person who was going to take over scheduling at my job popped out a kid, and I was the only one who was inane enough to take the job.

This did two things for me, brought me closer to my girlfriend, and secured my job at (the place I work), or so I thought. Before I was trained on scheduling I had been doing odd jobs for my bosses, making excel spreadsheets to unify how the campus dining sets up their special events meal, diagrams for seats and other things, and whatever else that they felt was too ‘technical’ for them to do themselves ((un?)fortunately enough, everything I did was very easy). My biggest mistake throughout my life at cmu was staying at (my place of work) as long as I have, I’ll touch more on that later.

A lot of people were graduating, so we needed to rehire half of our staff. Which was good, because that meant I had a summer job, and could afford to live up at school and retake a class I had failed that semester. It was also around this time my dad lost his job.

I’m diabetic, and a poor college student.

This made a summer that should of been stress free, a little worrisome. I had no health insurance, and my roots were set up at school. I had a lease to pay and classes to take. I couldn’t afford to hit the panic button and go home, not like there was much I could do.

My dad was forced into early retirement (a mere six months longer at his job and he would of been set- retirement wise), but thankfully through the kindness of strangers I have been able to survive. My dad goes to a little hole in the wall in the morning to eat, and he’s a rather loud talkative pole, so people know who he is. (He also has really bad jokes, which is where I get them from) There is an older retired gentleman that had extra insulin, and one of the waitresses had recently decided to not use her pump anymore, and gave me which supplies she had left, for free.

I’m still using those pump supplies right now, and have around 60 days of it left.

Like a lot of things that happend in ‘12, it was the start of delaying the inevitable, or so it seemed.

Summer scheduling had it’s ups and downs, I was still learning, so I fucked up -a lot- but I kept going. I always faced my mistakes head on , I don’t point the blame, if I fucked someones schedule up, I always let them know it was me - honesty will set you free.

I got to know the director very well, since it was just her and I in the office. It was an experience that I will forever hold dear, she may of been a questionable director, but she was pure of heart and always tried to help those less fortunate then her.

It was about halfway through the summer that I had learned that she wasn’t coming back in the fall, the big big boss was making a regime change, and a woman from another restaurant was to take her place. What I didn’t know in the beginning was she was bringing her own office assistant…. replacing me.

I loved where I work. The experiences I have had there have changed me as a person so much. I know i’ve said this on here before, so I won’t go into again, but that place forced me to come out of my shell. The friends I have made there I will cherish for the rest of my life. I wanted to do anything that I could to make that place better, and for me, scheduling was a way for me to change peoples lives hopefully for the better - to give people the same chances I got when I first worked there - the chance to grow as a person. It’s hard to convey here the sense of community and camaraderie you get from working there. I think it has to do with everyone going through a lot of the same experiences, and being in the same stage of their life - it makes it easier to bond.

I didn’t realize how much something as simple as taking a job could change you, and it does. This is why I feel it is very important to do things spur of the moment, and jump on any chances you get in life - you don’t know if they’ll come again, and you don’t know how they will change you until you’ve gone through them.

Shortly before the beginning of the semester started, I had to meet with the new boss, and her office assistant.

From the word go I did not like this woman, and I still don’t. She is not genuine at all, and everything she does is laced with a hidden agenda. Much different from the big heart and honesty of the previous director.

There is a lot of details I’m going to skip through here, a lot of little ones, but I felt like I dwelled on those events too long already and do not wish to bring them up in depth here.

The new office assistant was actually just another manager, like me, that the director decided to bring with her. She was just like the director, two faced, and she had an obsession with making everyone like her. At first I was alright with her, then I thought she had some attraction towards me so I tired to direct her at my room mate (who I hired over the summer, doing scheduling didn’t come without some perks), which ended up in a big mess for me once I realized the type of person she was, and what she was doing to one of my closest friends. (using him to pat her ego, and this could be my ego talking, but I felt she was trying to get to me). This made dealing with that situation a lot harder, since I couldn’t come home to vent to him.

They were taking me off of scheduling, and giving me regular ‘office’ work to do, for example, sorting recipes for three hours a week in the morning.

Every fucking time I sorted those recipes I felt like I was being punished. Every god damn time. I had done so much for this place, invested so much time and work into it, making a manager position, only to get fucking shit on.

Never again will I let this happen to me.

I felt so hurt, I was so bitter, that someone who was so fake, two faced, and full of themself, could come in and take everything that I’ve worked for. I felt like I have met my antithesis.

Nice guys finished last, and I’m sick of being nice. I will get everything I want out of this life, no matter the cost.

So the semester started up, and a place that I use to take solace in, became the source of my distress.

This was a sign of things to come.

It was the first week of classes, and I got a phone call. My biggest sister was in the hospital, she had cancer.

A day later, my mom was in the hospital with stroke-like symptoms.

I felt like my life had become the butt end of a very bad joke, you can’t make this kind of stuff up.

I felt like the world was coming at me from all sides, but I had to move forward, keep going.

My mom turned out to be alright, she had just a mix up with some medication, buy my sister had cancer. cancer. Before it was just a word that had some meaning that was foreign to me, something that had taken my grandparents(who I never met), but now it had my sister. The word now has a whole new meaning.

The doctors gave her a year to live, but I know she will go longer, much longer. I love my sister and it pains me so much right now to be so far away and not involved in such large event in my sisters life. I love her, and I want to be there for her so bad, it hurts so much not to be. The same feeling of uselessness I had when my mom got hit by that truck, had come back, in spades.

It took me a while, but I finally learned not to be so bitter when I was at work. I had to let it roll of my shoulders, even the ugliest of scars will fade with time. But I will not forget what was done to me, and the hurt in my heart I felt when it happened.

No matter what happens, I know I’m doing the right thing now. I will continue down this path because it is the one I chose for myself. The challenges will be many and difficult, but I will not give up and give in to the temptation of settling. I have not gone this far to end up with the mediocre.

That about sums of the big events of last year. There was a lot more that went on that changed me, but this post has gone on for too long already.

I’ll see you guys around, at the latest next year. I’m excited to see what this year brings for future Adam, and I know it will be great things. If you’re reading this, and even if I don’t know you, I love you. Always keep in mind that whatever life throws at you, there is good in this world. Look around at the people around you, see the positive. It’s so easy to dwell on the negative, but that is contagious. Spend time with the people you love, because life isn’t a guarantee, it’s a privilege. Laugh a lot, and every day. Smile, make bad jokes. Just live life, do what makes you happy as much as you can afford to do it, because one day it will be the last time you do it.

Don’t let your last day be spent on something you didn’t enjoy, that you didn’t love, that would be the greastest travesty of life.

Hang in there.

My hearts been hurting for a while now

Sat, 03 Nov 2012 00:12:44 -0400

It’s always aching, I wish I could save everyone but I can’t.

But maybe that’s why I’m in the mess I’m in now.

The only thing this experience has taught me is that the good guy does finish last, and you have to fight for everything you want in life, everything.

I’m going to get what out of life, and I don’t fucking care what I have to do.

Photo

Fri, 04 May 2012 13:21:37 -0400

Amazing Posts: Life's Instructions

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 00:00:05 -0400

Amazing Posts: Life's Instructions

Egg Fried Rice Recipe at Epicurious.com

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 22:57:31 -0500

Egg Fried Rice Recipe at Epicurious.com

11 Goal Hacks: How to Achieve Anything — PsyBlog

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 23:15:08 -0500

11 Goal Hacks: How to Achieve Anything — PsyBlog

Stuff

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 00:05:00 -0500

Everything is kind of fucked up right now, In a beautiful kind of way.

I’m in the best relationship Ive ever been in, but I feel like im fucking everything up.

I feel like my little insecurities are going to ruin everything, I’m not use to someone being there for me. I dont want to fuck this up.

This semester school wise is the worst semester I’ve ever had, Im currently failing two classes. This sucks balls, I don’t know how to handle this. This semester was already going to be an up hill battle. I can change it in one class but it will take a lot of work, but in calc 2 im fucked. I mean I’ve always tried to give my best but I feel like since im stretched too thin between these demanding classes and work I dont know what to do. I want so bad to cry but the tears just wont come. I think im just way beyond stressed out. and I don’t want to put this off on her, she does so much for me. I love her. She has her own shit to deal with right now and doesn’t need mine too. I feel like I should disappear for a few days and say fuck everything to get my head back on track. I dont know what to do.

Year in Review : A Realization

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 23:46:00 -0500

I had written some long drawn out thing about what had gone this year, about my break up, and my mom. But that’s not what I want to write about. I’m happy, a different kind of happy I’ve never felt before.

The relationship I was in for threeish years ended this year, and now I’m in the most amazing place I have ever been.

To make a long story short, there was this person at work that I could always talk to, and we would share advice and talk about our lives, our relationship problems, and our interests. The beginning of this semester started and her boyfriend had broken up with her. I knew that if I didn’t try for her I’d regret it forever, this was a feeling I’ve never had before about anyone.

I took things slow, because I didn’t want to rush things, and I wanted to find out where we were both. Getting to know her has been one of the most interesting and happy experiences I’ve ever had.

I’ve never, ever, ever had anyone look me in the face and say exactly what was on my mind at that time. This is something that blows my mind. I just, don’t know, it’s like we’re tuned into the same station.

I’ve been happy, but not like this. With her it’s just the little things, and I love it.

I wish she could see how she makes me feel, it’s cliche as fuck but I get lost her eyes, just starting, probably with a dumb smile on my face, just being happy.

She gets this look on her face when she’s talking about something shes passionate about, living life, teaching, the brain, music, lots of stuff. I just find myself staring, completely and utterly amazed by her.

I want to make her happy, make her laugh, see her smile. Hold her when she’s cold, and when she’s not. Kiss her, just spend time with her.

I think this is love, and it’s one of the most frightening and amazing feelings I’ve ever had.